Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize