How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
