I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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