Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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