I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He kissed a someone with a penis
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
