Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize