Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Verdict: uncircumcised.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
