First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize