first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Someone came in the potted fern
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize