fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize