he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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