call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He better not be in your backpack
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
