He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
