dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
