please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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