Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
