So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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