I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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