I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
