Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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