If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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