just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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