it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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