His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
