Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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