My room smells like vodka and shame
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize