I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
