dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
this is an emotional support booty call
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
