where am i from again
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
