Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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