Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
