So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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