I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
