I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
