I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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