Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
