Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
