I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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