remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
