I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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