if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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