Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
