if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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