That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
