I love black thongs
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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