Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize