I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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