girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
