Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
