I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
