dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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