Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
