if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
