I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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