They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
