I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
