soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
