Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize