I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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