Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
