Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
