I think my fart just growled at me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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