Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
