Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
