"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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