i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
