dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
