I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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